I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
