What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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