this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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