You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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