my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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