I molested 6 butterflies tonight
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
