Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
