someone threw a dead crab at me
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
