Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
