i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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