Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
