A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
