I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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