is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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