I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
