May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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