sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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