My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
