She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
