sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
