it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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