This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just cropdusted the office
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
