go do what you do best...puke behind churches
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
