where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
