The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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