2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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