A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You pole danced in your parka.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
