I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
