I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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