I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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