and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
