Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
