I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
