my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
