the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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