Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
