he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
