when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
