I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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