...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
