I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
