Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
