and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
