i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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