If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
