i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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