shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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