Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
