The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
