if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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