the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
