you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
