A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
