i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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