My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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