Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We are all done wearing pants today
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
