just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
