she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
