She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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