he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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