I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
