my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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