I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I did not marry a roomba.
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