Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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