Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
