so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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